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Tuesday
2/5/2008 10:23:52 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spo use from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitte d by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10 . Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard, and close door o n to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch scr e wdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply compress to cheek to disinfect. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little brat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnant s from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15 . Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
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Monday
12/24/2007 1:16:12 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
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Monday
12/24/2007 1:11:26 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
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Tuesday
1/16/2007 11:10:02 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
What happens when an English phrase is translated (by computer) back and forth between 5 different languages?
http://www.tashian.com/multibabel/
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Tuesday
1/16/2007 11:02:45 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
We've all seen the little LCD readouts on laserjet printers, and their often mysterious messages like "PC Load Letter". But it turns out you can change the message with a bit of code
http://www.odetocode.com/Humor/68.aspx
Scott has his list of recommended random messages, but without any doubt, my favorites are;
Insert disc
and the all time greatest;
Radiation leak
I can just imagine the look on some of my officemate's faces.
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Thursday
8/3/2006 5:07:05 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
Some quite funny, er, modified photos.
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Monday
6/19/2006 7:42:39 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
A very funny video on global warming, by the Blue Man Group.
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Sunday
6/18/2006 4:50:18 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
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Friday
6/2/2006 10:12:23 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
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Thursday
4/27/2006 10:45:08 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
Entirely, entirely too funny. Google video is great.
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Saturday
7/16/2005 8:02:53 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'''
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Tuesday
7/5/2005 5:08:55 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
There I was, minding my own business, reading the British sex news at my workplace like every other American I know. I nearly fell out of my chair laughing when I came across this excerpt...
"For those who like their details in sort-of plain English, Sandhu admits she has gone to "fourth base" with her hormonally-charged colleague, but claims she has "refrained from having a quickie in the workplace as it's quite a risky proposition".
We're not quite sure what "fourth base" means here, since Indians clearly have a different base system to that understood in the UK. Brits - working on a simplified two-base system - understand anything after first base (complete failure to get down and dirty) as full-blown beast-with-two-backs action. To Middle England, therefore, fourth base would involve something seen only in Swedish DVDs and certainly illegal in the United Kingdom.
Link to the original article.
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Tuesday
6/28/2005 4:47:27 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
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Tuesday
6/28/2005 9:24:37 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
http://www.douglasadams.com/dna/19990901-00-a.html
...you would think we would learn the way these things work, which is this:
- everything that’s already in the world when you’re born is just normal;
- anything that gets invented between then and before you turn thirty is incredibly exciting and creative and with any luck you can make a career out of it;
- anything that gets invented after you’re thirty is against the natural order of things and the beginning of the end of civilisation as we know it until it’s been around for about ten years when it gradually turns out to be alright really.
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Tuesday
6/28/2005 9:19:22 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
In a talk about what went wrong with Enron, Charlie Munger (vice-chairman of Warren Buffet's Berkshire Hathaway) told a thought-provoking joke about Max Planck.
After winning the Nobel prize, Max Planck went around Germany giving talks. His chauffeur heard the talk so many times that he had it by heart, and so one time, he asked Max Planck if he could give the address. Planck agreed, they changed places, and the lecture came off famously. But then came the Q&A, with the very first question being one that the chauffeur had no hope of answering. The chauffeur replied: "I'm surprised to hear such an elementary question on high energy physics here in Munich. It's so simple, I'll let my chauffeur answer it."
(Munger actually referred to this not as a joke but an "apocryphal story." How nice if it were true!)
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Sunday
2/6/2005 9:45:07 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." — Douglas Adams (1952-2001), British writer. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Introduction.
"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." — Douglas Adams (1952-2001).
"Kinky is using a feather — Perverted is using the whole chicken"
"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no life guard."
"WARNING: Do not look into laser with remaining eye !" — Sign found at MIT's Junior Lab.
"Be an optimist, at least until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape Kennedy." — Anonymous.
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts — for support rather than illumination." — Andrew Lang.
"It always takes longer than you think even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account." — Hofstadter's Law.
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math." — Bumper sticker.
"I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost..."
"READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to certain suggested versions of the grand unified theory, the primary particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the next 1032 Years." — Engineering warning labels.
"There may be more than one way to skin a cat, but you only get one try per cat."
"Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought 'Where the hell is the ceiling ?'"
"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage." — Mark Russell.
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Thursday
10/28/2004 2:55:38 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
Not usually my thing; but this one was really well done.
A blonde, painting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50 bucks?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by email lately". A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied; and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the 50 bucks and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus".
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Thursday
8/12/2004 5:07:47 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
Recently I've begun establishing an office in a new part of town. While checking out the local restaurants and businesses, I discovered a swanky local hair salon and decided to poke my head in.
I enter and stride up to the counter. I'm a big guy, have been recently gaining a good amount of muscle, and I'm feeling manly. Confident. The cute girl behind the counter offers to assist me.
CUTE GIRL: May I help you?
ME: Hi, I'm interested to know your prices.
CUTE GIRL: We charge (she pauses) fifty (she pauses) dollars for a men's haircut.
Suffering immediate cardiac palpitations, I'm feeling like I forgot to wear my suit to an interview, and also trying to fathom why this place is in business when the place next door charges $12. I recover quickly and try hard not to look like a doofus.
ME: Ah. (pause) And does that include the wash, cut, blow job, and styling?
As my ears turn bright red with alarm, being the first part of my head that registered the words I had just spoken, my eyes become saucerplates and I give her the manly "I think I just swallowed a cat" look. She smiles sweetly at me, and doesn't say a word as I march back out the door.
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Wednesday
3/31/2004 10:04:14 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
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Monday
3/22/2004 1:48:29 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
Jack Black at his best. Hilarious.
http://www.tenaciousd.com
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Friday
1/9/2004 5:15:28 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
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Wednesday
12/24/2003 8:53:37 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
A humorous and thought-provoking look at the physics of Santa.
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Monday
10/13/2003 10:11:10 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
Some hilarious animations in honor of the "return" of the Napster brand.
They're all good; particularly funny are the Jailbreak and Metal animations.
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Friday
9/19/2003 8:10:56 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
Take a trip on over to UberGeek for a special brand of Matrix humor, and while you're there, make sure to check out...
Thanks to Paul Banasik for these...
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Saturday
9/13/2003 10:27:34 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
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Saturday
9/13/2003 10:14:40 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
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Thursday
9/4/2003 12:40:12 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
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Friday
8/22/2003 11:07:21 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
Not a humor piece; but I enjoy good, playful, well-thought-out marketing campaigns. Thought you might, too...
The Merica Agency
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Tuesday
8/19/2003 3:04:17 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
REDMOND, WA-In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but necessary step to protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by competitors," the Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and zero Monday.
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Friday
8/8/2003 4:16:04 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
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Wednesday
7/30/2003 11:59:46 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
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Thursday
7/24/2003 1:04:01 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
Wait for the entire screen to load up with all four horses and a fence in front of them. Then click on each horse. Make sure your sound is on. Re-click on any horse to make it turn off or turn it back on again.
Singing Horses (flash)
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Monday
6/9/2003 11:23:14 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
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Friday
6/6/2003 9:20:02 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
(or, what those guys really do back there)
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Tuesday
6/3/2003 3:39:42 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
Not funny, but certainly entertaining. BMW has released a series of short films, free and downloadable over the web, that are essentially miniature action-film/commercials.
Of particular interest is that many of the films were produced by notables such as Ang Lee.
Files are large, and you need to download a QuickTime-based viewer. I do not recommend doing this at work, or on anything less than 512Kbps.
http://www.bmwfilms.com
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Saturday
5/31/2003 11:57:28 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
- Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
- An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
- There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
- The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
- Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
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Thursday
5/29/2003 8:41:22 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
 The timeless classic, Japenese-videogame-turned-humor-craze-turned-music-video.
Video: http://www.planettribes.com/allyourbase/AYB2.swf
Website: http://www.planettribes.com/allyourbase/index.shtml
And for those who can't stop laughing, but have absolutely no idea what this is, a brief history... http://www.planettribes.com/allyourbase/story.shtml#hist
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Thursday
5/29/2003 7:20:15 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
An actual letter sent to a bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
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Wednesday
5/21/2003 8:12:00 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
Submitted by a Canadian friend... turn down your speakers before playing.
Taste of India [MP3]
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Thursday
5/15/2003 9:44:00 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
The Washington Post annually publishes a contest for readers in which they are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.
The following were some of the winning entries in this year's contest...
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Sunday
5/4/2003 9:49:00 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
Interesting observations about our modern world.
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Friday
2/14/2003 7:33:00 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards!
The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds.
That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. The following are this year's candidates:
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Friday
1/17/2003 1:28:00 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
Answers from well known societal figures...
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Thursday
12/12/2002 1:10:00 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
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Monday
12/9/2002 1:04:00 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
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Friday
12/6/2002 1:49:00 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service". "The act of doing things for other people." Then I heard the terms such as "Internal Revenue Service," "Postal Service," "Civil Service," "Service Stations." And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.
One day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull "service" a few of his cows. It all came into perspective.
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Friday
11/1/2002 1:31:00 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
The following are actual stories provided by travel agents...
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Friday
8/30/2002 9:54:00 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
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Monday
5/13/2002 11:22:00 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
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Monday
4/22/2002 10:10:00 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
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Friday
4/19/2002 10:04:00 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here is one answer where, a little math proves helpful.
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Monday
2/4/2002 11:54:00 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
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Monday
11/26/2001 3:32:00 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
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Wednesday
11/7/2001 4:40:00 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
An astute look at politico-economic differences worldwide, employing the famous "two cow" economic analysis model.
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Tuesday
5/29/2001 11:08:00 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
A hilarious collection of actual performance-review comments, resumes excerpts and cover letters passages, which were printed in Fortune magazine.
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Tuesday
4/24/2001 8:15:00 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
Why user manuals are important...
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Tuesday
4/10/2001 9:04:00 AM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity. Also for those of us that are old enough to understand George Carlin! A few statements to ponder...
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Saturday
2/26/2000 3:07:00 PM
(CST)
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Michael Wells
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